It's Cold Outside...

Obviously I'm a huge Red Dwarf fan and - like all other fans - I am eagerly awaiting news that a new season will be produced. If it does happen, it is likely that it will be the last. That begs the question: How will it end?

As I drifted off to sleep last night, listening to the very first episode "The End", a final episode appeared nearly fully formed in my overactive writer's brain. (Doug Naylor, if by chance you read this I would be honored if you would make use of any of these ideas. I wouldn't mind a little credit, though!)

The "Boys From The Dwarf" are on another madcap adventure - dodging an attack from a pan-dimensional liquid beast from the Mogodon Cluster or some such insanity - when Lister hears Kochanski's voice calling to him. The scene around him blurs and fades and he wakes up on the floor outside the stasis booth where he was originally imprisoned for failing to hand over his pet cat Frankenstein. Instead of being a "non-event mass with a quantum possibility of zero", a fault in the stasis booth caused Lister's consciousness to exist in a dream state through the entire 18 months of stasis, making him believe he lived through all of the experiences of the previous series. (The leak also conveniently ages Lister and several other crew members who came into contact with the stasis booth which is how they figured out it malfunctioned.)

Lister returns to his quarters with Rimmer, completely disoriented from his experience. He doesn't know what to do with himself and, when the ship docks at TItan, he steals cash from Rimmer's camphorwood trunk and gets a flight back to Earth. He tries to convince Kochanski to go with him and - to his surprise - she agrees. So, Fiji it is! Lister, Kochanski & Frankenstein are on the run from the Jupiter Mining Corps security force, but they make to Fiji. Relaxing on the beach, goldfish shoals nibbling at their toes, Kochanski walks away to get hot dogs.

Before she returns, three pairs of familiar legs appear next to Lister's lounge chair.

Kryten: Mr. Lister, sir! We've been looking all over for you! We did it, we made it back to Earth! (and some techie garbage about how they did it)

Rimmer: (smirking and rubbing his hands together.) And you're going to love it!

Cat: (looking around disgusted) This is supposed to be Fuschal? And that's Frankenstein? I thought she'd be bigger.

Lister realizes he's been playing "Better Than Life " too long and forgot he was in a game. But he's excited to leave to see the real Earth again. He practically runs to the observation deck, looks outside and sees...nothing.

Lister: Where is it? Is it on the other side of the ship?

He starts to leave the room, but Kryten calls him back.

Kryten: "No, sir. Its right there. Don't you see it?

Lister leans forward and squints. As he moves his head from side to side he makes out a faint planet-shaped distortion in the stars.

Kryten: There's some kind of cloaking shield over the planet. We haven't been able to penetrate it with our sensors, but that's exactly where the Earth should be.

Lister: (excited) If there's a cloaking shield, there must be people! I need to get down there!

They decide to try getting through in a Blue Midget shuttle since they're smaller. As they pierce the shield, they are shot at by laser cannons and make a crash landing on Fiji. They are immediately greeted by a delegation of Magratheans who claim they created Earth Mark II and didn't want any old Earthers clogging up the system and send them packing after telling him his Earth was blown up ages ago by the Vogons.

...Yes, I know there would probably be copyright infringement issues with bringing Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy into the story, but all you British sci-fi type people are in each others pockets all the time, you can work it out!